Jerusalem Biblical Zoo's 'gay vultures' return to the closet
There is nothing I can say to make this funnier.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
yoga
in the last few months i started going to the Baron Baptiste Power Yoga Institute. i mean, what a name! i could only assume it would make me smart and powerful and yogalicious at the same time (with some kind of weird royal french twist). well, so far it is a work in progress, but i highly encourage you folks to give it, or its analog, a shot. as i just got back from a class, let me describe it.
the class takes about an hour and a half in a room that is heated to the high 90s. it seems like the intro sequence in most yoga classes is similar - sun salutations, warriors, twists, etc. this class focuses a lot on flowing between positions, and after the intro moves into balance, back strengtheners, abs, and finally the pigeons (hip stretches). the heat is really nice for being able to stretch more and get your muscles going. and it gets my head spinning a little bit in that "i might pass out soon but it feels good" sort of way. finally, leaving the studio afterwards and going into the cold air outside is an experience that can only be described as orgasmic.
each teacher has a subtly different style, both in the emphasis and in the conversation that goes along with the whole thing. fortunately most of them take if not a cynical then at least a reasonable view towards the new agey stuff. sure they'll throw in a few mentions of your energy flowing through, and your infinite oneness, but they pretty much know what we are there for, and so they work us hard. one teacher though, the most attractive woman, of course, seems to really be into the bullshit aspects of the whole thing. from massaging your thyroid and increasing your metabolism to aligning your mental self and learning to let go of your spiritual constipation, she manages to fill an hour and a half with a lot of things that i wish never entered my brain. fortunately she's still a pretty good teacher, and it does help draw a hippie crowd (i got complimented on my phish shirt today). i know how much we all love hippies.
the place is pretty well organized. you can rent mats and towels, and they sell water right there. the catch of the place, however, is in its popularity. they never turn anyone away (they claim it's a yoga tradition, but it seems like just a way to maximize profits). if you go to a beginner class at a convenient time (as most of them are), you are likely to be alotted an inch of room to the right and left of your mat, with the rest of the space taken up by sweaty, sometimes smelly, occasionally attractive, and almost always in the way bodies. so if you do go, i'd recommend off-peak hours, or weekend mornings (most beginners are way too lazy for that).
the class takes about an hour and a half in a room that is heated to the high 90s. it seems like the intro sequence in most yoga classes is similar - sun salutations, warriors, twists, etc. this class focuses a lot on flowing between positions, and after the intro moves into balance, back strengtheners, abs, and finally the pigeons (hip stretches). the heat is really nice for being able to stretch more and get your muscles going. and it gets my head spinning a little bit in that "i might pass out soon but it feels good" sort of way. finally, leaving the studio afterwards and going into the cold air outside is an experience that can only be described as orgasmic.
each teacher has a subtly different style, both in the emphasis and in the conversation that goes along with the whole thing. fortunately most of them take if not a cynical then at least a reasonable view towards the new agey stuff. sure they'll throw in a few mentions of your energy flowing through, and your infinite oneness, but they pretty much know what we are there for, and so they work us hard. one teacher though, the most attractive woman, of course, seems to really be into the bullshit aspects of the whole thing. from massaging your thyroid and increasing your metabolism to aligning your mental self and learning to let go of your spiritual constipation, she manages to fill an hour and a half with a lot of things that i wish never entered my brain. fortunately she's still a pretty good teacher, and it does help draw a hippie crowd (i got complimented on my phish shirt today). i know how much we all love hippies.
the place is pretty well organized. you can rent mats and towels, and they sell water right there. the catch of the place, however, is in its popularity. they never turn anyone away (they claim it's a yoga tradition, but it seems like just a way to maximize profits). if you go to a beginner class at a convenient time (as most of them are), you are likely to be alotted an inch of room to the right and left of your mat, with the rest of the space taken up by sweaty, sometimes smelly, occasionally attractive, and almost always in the way bodies. so if you do go, i'd recommend off-peak hours, or weekend mornings (most beginners are way too lazy for that).
Sunday, January 08, 2006
what is the point, walter?
snow falling. the snowflakes dance and twirl in the crisp air, readying themselves for a final resting place. the naked trees tantalize them with promises of long life and escape from the muddy snowbanks that most of these pointlessly unique creatures are destined for. the trees themselves are seeking nothing short of immortality, dressing themselves in the white garb and hoping for a photographer with the right skill and disposition to come and capture their own unique profile, set against a baby blue backdrop, highlighted by the bright warmless sun of January. In their silly little tree brains, once that picture leaves the analog world for the infinite replication of digital, it will make their visage outlive their flesh.
too bad for them that this winter is warm, and the snow melts before i even finish this post. too bad for them and great for me. suckers.
too bad for them that this winter is warm, and the snow melts before i even finish this post. too bad for them and great for me. suckers.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Back from the ashes of 2005
As the sins of last year have been washed away, the lunibin of 2006 rises up from the ashes of the great abortion of 2005 to greet it's mystifyingly loyal readership. Thank you all for coming (even if by the time you check out that lowly link from ahrenlw, 2006 is long gone).
as arbitrary as January 1st is, having any date with a modicum of spiritual, religious, or organizational significance is enough for me (and thus most other humans) to get yet another fresh start. And thus yesterday I gave birth to a brand spanking new Ilya, with none of the flaws of the 2005 model, and loads of new features. (I don't know what the "fair sex" complains about, it was pretty easy actually (and while I am on the misogynist tangent, how funny is that expression?))
Sure 2006 will rotate around our shining guide, and at its end, in the cold Boston winter, I will yet again be preparing to refactor the design flaws, optimize away the sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach, and ship the new model right on time, just as the clock strikes 12:00:01+1. But for now, today, this day, I could not be happier about my new model. In addition to blog-writing, I include such great options as yoga posing, ben harper-style wailing, rolling down a mountain while attached to a snowboard, puter programming, meticulously managing mediocre metaphors, and, of course, alliterating.
So, since this is the year of the new me, in our great cultural tradition of the new years' resolution, I will recap the highlights of 2005, for all those that may not have been paying attention.
The Year in Review
Jobby Job
After a 4.5 year stint as part of the LOBBY7, and later ScanSoft (now Nuance) team, I picked up in an impulsive and somewhat inglorious fashion and moved my operations to Las Vegas, Nevada, telecommuting as pit boss for the newly opened Wynn casino. My years in L7 were a pretty great learning experience, kind of like getting marooned on an island with a bunch of castaways who have no idea what they are doing, and then seeing how long you last, and what you learn in the process, both about yourself, and about the job you are mostly paid to do. I learned much about the software business, and what mistakes not to make when creating products. I learned how crucial a realistic assessment of your abilities and skills is to being successful and improving and growing yourself. I learned how whenever you want to create something of a reasonable size and value, you have to depend on the team you have and the better you can make the team, the better the outcome will be. I learned how your emotional involvement can be good and bad - a great motivator to create something cool, and potentially poison for dealing with problems that are difficult to overcome. And I learned how to be good at working, something I managed to avoid in college. So all in all, a good time. Sure there were some negatives, but I'll save those for another post (on my long todo list).
Hobbies Among the innumerable bands, side projects, collaborations and tours, I've barely had time to practice actually playing guitar, but as resolutions go, this is all about to change. I am happy to say that playing/practicing guitar has remained fun and happy for me, so I am optimistic about the future.
Higher Learning
None whatsoever. But just wait until 2006. Oh wait that's now. Shit.
Family
All in all my family has retained steady state throughout 2005. No cancers or other major diseases have been introduced, and thus no new hospital rotations. My mother and grandmother have not spoken for about half of the year, and as my mother's 50th birthday is steadily approaching, my grandmother is fearing the worst - that she will not get invited and look bad in front of so many people. Thus she has begun to make overtures towards healing the rift, so we shall see what happens. As usual, I remain the favorite grandson, the apple of many eyes, and so everyone wants me on their side in the ongoing epic battle of wills. At least my stepdad is rational.
My parents unfortunately failed in their bid to trade their current condo for a better one, so my secret plan to get my mom a puppy for her birthday will not pan out, since their current place does not allow dogs.
Relationships
For the first time in a pretty long time I actually had something resembling a relationship (not like friendship is a relationship, cause I got a few of those). I was clearly pretty out of practice, cause I fucked it up quite royally, but at least Vanessa and I have managed to remain friends, which makes me a little more optimistic about life in general. Plus I didn't have to go on dates, so that was nice too. Now it's back to the grind.
Pets
It's been quite a big pet year, as I have finally understood what all the fuss is about. I got to spend a bunch of time with Osiris, Kamala, Bernie, and Toby, and it's been great. I decided to get a pet as soon as my living situation allows it (probably next year). I have not yet decided between kitties and puppies - both have their pros and cons, but a big con for kitties is that I am still very allergic. The alaskan klei kai is the front runner right now, just in case anyone out there is looking for a surprise semi-birthday present for me. Oh, and I am now the proud daddy of twins (Tubby and Blubby). My turtles enjoy rock climbing, running away when I get near them, hiding under each other, and basking. They also love turtle food and their new aquarium heater. If only my real father knew how precocious his grandkids would be, he'd never have walked out on me when I was 4.5.
Friends
It's been a pretty reasonable friend year. My friends have continued to move away from the city I will in all likelihood be buried in (Aram and soontobegone Bernard), but I've decided to make some new local friends (whose name doesn't start with "netflix"). No stars yet, but there are a few promising prospects.
Happiness
Overall the year has been somewhat mixed. In the tally of the years between 2000 and 2005, 2005 comes in 4th, above 2003, but below the others. Analysts disagree on the key factors pushing the decline from 2004, but often cited are the disappointment of leaving the old job without accomplishing all goals, clouded judgment in several key situations throughout the year, pointless fights, and, of course, the fallout from hurricane Katrina. Predictions for 2006 remain high, however, as the market expects a robust year, driven by the fun easy stress-free job, a mind balanced by excruciating hours of 100 degree yoga, and the newly-discovered freedom to never change out of jammies.
On to 2007! Stay classy, Universe.
as arbitrary as January 1st is, having any date with a modicum of spiritual, religious, or organizational significance is enough for me (and thus most other humans) to get yet another fresh start. And thus yesterday I gave birth to a brand spanking new Ilya, with none of the flaws of the 2005 model, and loads of new features. (I don't know what the "fair sex" complains about, it was pretty easy actually (and while I am on the misogynist tangent, how funny is that expression?))
Sure 2006 will rotate around our shining guide, and at its end, in the cold Boston winter, I will yet again be preparing to refactor the design flaws, optimize away the sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach, and ship the new model right on time, just as the clock strikes 12:00:01+1. But for now, today, this day, I could not be happier about my new model. In addition to blog-writing, I include such great options as yoga posing, ben harper-style wailing, rolling down a mountain while attached to a snowboard, puter programming, meticulously managing mediocre metaphors, and, of course, alliterating.
So, since this is the year of the new me, in our great cultural tradition of the new years' resolution, I will recap the highlights of 2005, for all those that may not have been paying attention.
The Year in Review
Jobby Job
After a 4.5 year stint as part of the LOBBY7, and later ScanSoft (now Nuance) team, I picked up in an impulsive and somewhat inglorious fashion and moved my operations to Las Vegas, Nevada, telecommuting as pit boss for the newly opened Wynn casino. My years in L7 were a pretty great learning experience, kind of like getting marooned on an island with a bunch of castaways who have no idea what they are doing, and then seeing how long you last, and what you learn in the process, both about yourself, and about the job you are mostly paid to do. I learned much about the software business, and what mistakes not to make when creating products. I learned how crucial a realistic assessment of your abilities and skills is to being successful and improving and growing yourself. I learned how whenever you want to create something of a reasonable size and value, you have to depend on the team you have and the better you can make the team, the better the outcome will be. I learned how your emotional involvement can be good and bad - a great motivator to create something cool, and potentially poison for dealing with problems that are difficult to overcome. And I learned how to be good at working, something I managed to avoid in college. So all in all, a good time. Sure there were some negatives, but I'll save those for another post (on my long todo list).
Hobbies Among the innumerable bands, side projects, collaborations and tours, I've barely had time to practice actually playing guitar, but as resolutions go, this is all about to change. I am happy to say that playing/practicing guitar has remained fun and happy for me, so I am optimistic about the future.
Higher Learning
None whatsoever. But just wait until 2006. Oh wait that's now. Shit.
Family
All in all my family has retained steady state throughout 2005. No cancers or other major diseases have been introduced, and thus no new hospital rotations. My mother and grandmother have not spoken for about half of the year, and as my mother's 50th birthday is steadily approaching, my grandmother is fearing the worst - that she will not get invited and look bad in front of so many people. Thus she has begun to make overtures towards healing the rift, so we shall see what happens. As usual, I remain the favorite grandson, the apple of many eyes, and so everyone wants me on their side in the ongoing epic battle of wills. At least my stepdad is rational.
My parents unfortunately failed in their bid to trade their current condo for a better one, so my secret plan to get my mom a puppy for her birthday will not pan out, since their current place does not allow dogs.
Relationships
For the first time in a pretty long time I actually had something resembling a relationship (not like friendship is a relationship, cause I got a few of those). I was clearly pretty out of practice, cause I fucked it up quite royally, but at least Vanessa and I have managed to remain friends, which makes me a little more optimistic about life in general. Plus I didn't have to go on dates, so that was nice too. Now it's back to the grind.
Pets
It's been quite a big pet year, as I have finally understood what all the fuss is about. I got to spend a bunch of time with Osiris, Kamala, Bernie, and Toby, and it's been great. I decided to get a pet as soon as my living situation allows it (probably next year). I have not yet decided between kitties and puppies - both have their pros and cons, but a big con for kitties is that I am still very allergic. The alaskan klei kai is the front runner right now, just in case anyone out there is looking for a surprise semi-birthday present for me. Oh, and I am now the proud daddy of twins (Tubby and Blubby). My turtles enjoy rock climbing, running away when I get near them, hiding under each other, and basking. They also love turtle food and their new aquarium heater. If only my real father knew how precocious his grandkids would be, he'd never have walked out on me when I was 4.5.
Friends
It's been a pretty reasonable friend year. My friends have continued to move away from the city I will in all likelihood be buried in (Aram and soontobegone Bernard), but I've decided to make some new local friends (whose name doesn't start with "netflix"). No stars yet, but there are a few promising prospects.
Happiness
Overall the year has been somewhat mixed. In the tally of the years between 2000 and 2005, 2005 comes in 4th, above 2003, but below the others. Analysts disagree on the key factors pushing the decline from 2004, but often cited are the disappointment of leaving the old job without accomplishing all goals, clouded judgment in several key situations throughout the year, pointless fights, and, of course, the fallout from hurricane Katrina. Predictions for 2006 remain high, however, as the market expects a robust year, driven by the fun easy stress-free job, a mind balanced by excruciating hours of 100 degree yoga, and the newly-discovered freedom to never change out of jammies.
On to 2007! Stay classy, Universe.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Demotivation
Soul Assassins
These are the guys that make the demotivational posters we've all liked. They just put out a book basically saying workers suck and will whine no matter how good they have it. seems about right.
'..."Look," Kersten says, "obviously some people can be highly fulfilled by their jobs. Doctors, for example: It seems like saving lives would be highly fulfilling. Building bridges, building businesses -- a lot of careers can fulfill a person's inherent passion. But I don't know how passionate you can be about processing paper. The point is that most people should work to make money. They shouldn't expect a company to make them happy. A company can be friendly and good, but it can't really make you happy. At the same time, it shouldn't insult you. It shouldn't say, 'We're a family and have values,' and then act like Enron."'
These are the guys that make the demotivational posters we've all liked. They just put out a book basically saying workers suck and will whine no matter how good they have it. seems about right.
'..."Look," Kersten says, "obviously some people can be highly fulfilled by their jobs. Doctors, for example: It seems like saving lives would be highly fulfilling. Building bridges, building businesses -- a lot of careers can fulfill a person's inherent passion. But I don't know how passionate you can be about processing paper. The point is that most people should work to make money. They shouldn't expect a company to make them happy. A company can be friendly and good, but it can't really make you happy. At the same time, it shouldn't insult you. It shouldn't say, 'We're a family and have values,' and then act like Enron."'
Thursday, May 12, 2005
This is just cool
Talking Loud And Saying Nothing
"NASA is developing a subvocal speech system that could enable you to make a phone call while keeping your lips sealed.
How do you talk to someone without opening your mouth? Psychics call it telepathy. NASA refers to it as subvocal speech. Scientists at the NASA Ames Research Center in California have developed a system of tiny sensors that read nerve signals in the throat that control speech. You may not make a sound when, say, you read silently, but your nervous system is buzzing with activity. Recently, they used the system to make the first subvocal cell phone call."
"NASA is developing a subvocal speech system that could enable you to make a phone call while keeping your lips sealed.
How do you talk to someone without opening your mouth? Psychics call it telepathy. NASA refers to it as subvocal speech. Scientists at the NASA Ames Research Center in California have developed a system of tiny sensors that read nerve signals in the throat that control speech. You may not make a sound when, say, you read silently, but your nervous system is buzzing with activity. Recently, they used the system to make the first subvocal cell phone call."
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Protecting our livelihoods...
Police Chase Down Alleged Masturbator
"After a chase through Harvard Square, Cambridge Police Department (CPD) officers arrested a man at around 7 p.m. yesterday for allegedly masturbating in public view in a Mt. Auburn Street window."
"After a chase through Harvard Square, Cambridge Police Department (CPD) officers arrested a man at around 7 p.m. yesterday for allegedly masturbating in public view in a Mt. Auburn Street window."
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Monday, February 28, 2005
i'll be back
When I got home from work today, I had a message on my machine.
"Ilya, this is Sarah Connor. I have a job for you."
dada da dada.
"Ilya, this is Sarah Connor. I have a job for you."
dada da dada.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
This band rules!
Steve Kimock show on nugs.net
If you have a chance, go see this guy. His band is really good, and the music is just so uplifting and happy and great. And he has some kick-ass guitars.
If you have a chance, go see this guy. His band is really good, and the music is just so uplifting and happy and great. And he has some kick-ass guitars.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
working man's blues...
well, 2 weeks of vacation flew by, filled with rain, snow, music, friends, lebowski quotes, and jamba juice. following my triumphant redeye return i am struggling to settle back into my routine and actually get some work done (the 2 week business trip beforehand didn't help either).
2005 promises to be a pretty cool year. i was sad to say good bye to 2004, it was pretty solid, probably as full as 2000 (still following the good old school schedule). but as i am now less than half way to 26, i think a new schedule pattern is finally settling in.
at the very least there'll be more blog posts now as i spend my youth staring at a 19-inch screen.
happy new year!
2005 promises to be a pretty cool year. i was sad to say good bye to 2004, it was pretty solid, probably as full as 2000 (still following the good old school schedule). but as i am now less than half way to 26, i think a new schedule pattern is finally settling in.
at the very least there'll be more blog posts now as i spend my youth staring at a 19-inch screen.
happy new year!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Best words to hear when you are boarding the plane
"Our flight tonight is full, so we went ahead and upgraded you to business class."
transatlantic business class turns out to be the only way to fly. they gave me the bose noise cancelling headphones for the duration. the seat is awesome. the food is awesome. you get a little "spa" kit with socks and toothbrush. it just rules so much.
i guess i get rewarded for being stupid and losing my ticket.
ilya
transatlantic business class turns out to be the only way to fly. they gave me the bose noise cancelling headphones for the duration. the seat is awesome. the food is awesome. you get a little "spa" kit with socks and toothbrush. it just rules so much.
i guess i get rewarded for being stupid and losing my ticket.
ilya
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
thank you for your support
as if there was ever any doubt. well, there isn't anymore. i am officially the worst person ever to have to have a paper airplane ticket (a.k.a. stupidest person ever). indeed, i have managed to lose my return ticket from milan to london (with its 2 lovely connections). instead i have to hitchhike my way over to london, where american may or may not let me get home. with any luck, i can become like tom hanks in that movie terminal, speak with a corny eastern european russian accent, and wait for a hot chick to fall in love with me (i never saw the movie, but i assume that is what happens). if i am less lucky, i will remain in the greater woburn of italy making a living by selling flashing yoyos and mayonaise sandwiches. prego, prego.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
sometimes my job is cool...
Laptop on a bus, huh? Well, I am not one to run away from challenges (he runs like a welshman. doesn’t he run like a welshman?) The autostrasse is making bold moves on a 2-lane mountain road. He must have somewhere to be, or perhaps has not resigned himself to the constant journey aspect of his lot in life (even a bit more so than other people). Maybe he is just trying to shake off the pursuit we encountered in the first yellow-lit tunnel, the myriad lights sending successive shadows hot on our tracks. A 5:30 night has moved in. ahh the shadows once more.
Driving in dusk through the italian alps while listening to tool of all things is a truly incredible activity. Our lord jebus dumped about a foot of snow on Breuil-Cervinia, so everything looks like a fairy tale, one of those that could really go evil or good, and you don’t really know until the very end. Giant white-green arrows pointing heavenward line the slinking path that autostrasse keeps thinking is big enough for him. An echoey requiem on the headphones that builds into drum-breaking power chords. Mountains all around, and green headlights just waiting for their chance to strike. Wolves on leashes in the tiny towns, and christmas merriment to boot.
The drive caps a weekend of ups and downs, as a snowboarding weekend should be. I set out on Saturday morning at 6am from the most american part of the most american city in italia.
Autostrasse is now trying to drown out my headphones with fucking shania. And succeeding. The already awesome quality of the writing is about to take a big slip. I am torn between wanting autostrasse to die, yet realizing my life is entirely in his hands. Just when I think bernard might convince me to give country a shot, something like this happens.
Anyway, the 3 hour bus ride from
There are all these vineyards along the way, running up the side of the mountains. (I think it’s what they are anyway). Finally we hit snow. That type of snow that you know just hangs out from september to may. And then august to june. And then, cervinia, where you can go for summer skiing, cause the snow ain’t got nowhere to go.
I am greeted by some of this snow falling on my head and much cold. The mountain is closed! It is apparently too windy up there, so no snowboarding for me. I spend the day chilling at the hotel, wasting my time at a shitty restaurant (I was bitter enough yesterday to want to write a scathing review, but now the hate is gone, so I’ll focus on the good stuff).
The good thing on Saturday (among a bunch of ok things), was this random “american bar” I went in to. I passed by it several times on my walk through town (the main street is about 200 meters long). The last time though there was dance music blasting from it, and people dancing inside. This might not seem so weird but consider that it was 7:30 in the evening, the bar was slightly bigger than my living room, and the people dancing were 4 middle-aged welsh guys, a beautiful black bartendress, a teenage girl, a super cute little black 3-year old, and the other bartendress. This was enough to attract me (being the dancing whore that I am). Once inside, the cd got upgraded to straight up house, and the party kicked off. I downed a beer and joined to incredibly excited cheers from the audience.
The dance party went on for about 2.5 hours altogether. I made good friends with the welshmen. They are all cops from a town on south wales and I now have a place to stay there whenever I want (digits!). They spent the better part of the evening getting progressively more pissed, and overjoyed to dance with the bartenders and get a little feel away from home. It was their last day at the end of a week of skiing. Highlights included all of them dancing in the window (and eventually persuading me to do the same). At one point terry (dude in a yankees hat and a t-shirt that says “beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder”), gets up in the windows and takes his pants off. He was clearly going for the full monty but instantly there was a record scratching moment at which everyone was like “too far”.
As it turned out the beauty hailed from
Despite a sunny/”warm” late afternoon, I woke up to the sound of plows and a snowstorm. The mountain remained closed past the usual 8:30 time, and I began to consider changing my ticket to an earlier bus. Then, miraculously, they opened a few of the lifts. I rented my gear, bundled up, and headed to the gondola and up the mountain.
I will preface this account of my day at the slopes by saying I have only snowboarded 3 times, all of them over the course of last march/april, and all of them at wachusett.
My first challenge was provided by the lift ticket, which was distributed with a long elastic band, different from the stick on things I am used to. All the lifts apparently are equipped with the subway entrance barriers, and you have to insert your ticket to get to go through. Naturally I hung the rather long elastic around my neck, stretched it, and inserted the ticket into the machine. The machine rapidly grabbed the ticket out of my hand, and spit it out with such venom that the elastic snapped back and the ticket hit me squarely between the eyes (despite my later precautions this happened at least one more time). To add insult to injury, while I was nursing my wound, the gate in front of me completed a revolution by itself, and I had to make everyone behind me wait while the attendant let me in with his magic ticket.
The ride up was pretty cool, but because of the snowstorm you couldn’t really see anything. At the end of the gondola ride was the base of the skiing. The lower trails were closed, but here we were above some of the more insidious clouds so it was ok. I decided to warm up on the bunny slope, and was then faced with my second challenge. There was no actual lift, but instead there was a rope with stretchy ropes dangling from it. The end of the rope has a disk, you grab the disk, put it between your legs, and let the rope tow you. Although the approach for skiers seemed clear, the snowboard path seemed entirely non-obvious. To my chagrin I also discovered that I had forgotten every single thing I had learned about snowboarding. So between trying to remember those and to learn the new doohicky, I did expect a certain amount of failure.
I was not disappointed. After about a third of the way up, my board wobbled, my unbound foot fell off, I stumbled, and watched my precious disk sail away to the horizon as I struggled to get out of the way of the oncoming skiiers. “ok, i’ll start with a short warmup”, I thought as I climbed over the pile of snow separating the lift from the trail. As it turned out, it made more sense to take advantage of the warmup slope as much as possible, so I drew out the experience by falling around 73 times. I don’t think there was a point during the descent that could be called snowboarding. I did discover a few important things. The boots I was wearing (and consequently the new boots that were waiting for me at 1580 house) were too big. Without the nice snug fit, I realized I was entering a world of pain. Despite continuous adjustments to the bindings and the laces, I was not disappointed. Moreover in the first five seconds I got extremely hot (3 too many layers).
I took a redbull break after the first run and settled my thoughts. Though I expected some recession in my skills, this was a bit much. I seriosly considered exchanging the boots or calling it a day. Then I called myself a pussy 3 times, and that worked, so I changed clothes and headed back up. the baby lift was easier this time and I made it all the way to the top. And then it all came back to me. I rode down and my body remembered (thank god).
After another bunny slope run I was ready for the first green (they call them blues here), so I got on the big lift and went up. successful dismount (an area of much pass difficulty), and I was on my way. As I was riding down though, I realized everything had become the same shade of white. I could no longer discern any features in the trail, nor where the trail separated from the sky. I really could pick out no distinguishing marks of any sort, and as it turns outbeing able to see is actually useful for snowboarding. Nobody was willing to take my soul for a pair of polarized goggles, so I made do.
I actually made it down without too many problems. The blue was the same level as the greens as wachusett, which was a bit surprising. I was totally unprepared for it, as a result of which there were at least 5 times that I had to unbuckle my right binding, and walk my board over a flat area until I could go down again. I determined this is by far my least favorite part of snowboarding, so I tried to go faster. Then I caught edge for the first time. I got whipped down with the back of my head hitting snow and me biting the slight tip of my tongue. Not bad, in one piece. I finished the trail and upgraded to the red (they call blues reds. Blacks are blacks everywhere though. Broder, eat your heart out).
The rest of the day was super fun. I had a few more runs, little falling, and the only tough moment was when at the end of the last run I caught front edge and slammed head first into the snow. That dazed me quite a bit and I barely finished, but all in all it was still cool. The best part though was that for my last 2.5 runs it stopped snowing, and the sun actually came out. and then I finally saw the alps. My god, they are spectacular. The space is so gigantic and the trails are just a tiny part. the mountain actually sits above most of the clouds. Not only was it amazing to finally see the surrounding view, but I was also riding on a foot of fresh powder, so it all ruled. Sadly I had no camera, and I am finding it difficult to find words to describe the scene adequately. Perhaps it’s better that it remain a surreal memory though, “that time the sun came out and I happened to be on the matterhorn. “
As is necessary after the peak of the experience, I came back and chilled at a russian tea room before finally meeting my new friend autostrasse and enlisting his services. A couple of hours to go and time for me to sleep.
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