sloth consumes, easy path, mind is off
dreams come soon, maybe mine, maybe yours
i sit and stare
time streaming by
can't find a place to jump on
feeling old, feeling empty, ways to die
flash back on in between laughing grunts
life is better
nothing to wait for
worry and doubt are for suckers
will and self, waking up, feeling free
thinking was inside out this whole time
memory comes
it still burns
it doesn't rule me anymore
pain swirls, drills through the skin
the mind stays clear, assimilates the gravel
nothing denied
a few things lost
back on the train, not waiting
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Friday, November 21, 2003
Yesterday I went on my first "date" since freshman year in college. She messaged me on Friendster, we talked on the phone, and then met face to face. Classically speaking, it was bad - we did not really have much in common, and our personalities noticeably did not click. However, it was such a fascinating experience, that I couldn't really consider it negative. Perhaps it was just the novelty of the encounter, or maybe it was my complete forecertainty that there was little in the way of friendship or learning to be gained, but I discovered an opportunity to shamelessly question the personal life and psychology of another human being, and one unlike most people i know.
So first the weaknesses (finishing with the strengths ought to convey the positiveness of the experience). She does not have (nor seems to ever have had) any real friends other than her parents. At the age of 24, she, a pretty attractive girl, has never had a relationship that lasted longer than a week. She was decidedly negative in her outlook toward life, and though would not admit it, seemed to believe that that is simply what life was - that it offered no superior experiences. It appears her history justified it, at least in part, but it's tough to find the fault in the finer interplay between her personality and the evolution of her life and her relationships with other people. she had recently been laid off, and that was clearly dominating her outlook on life, she could not figure out what to do with her time, she felt useless and uninterested in anything life had to offer. the nature of her relationships is summarized as "i see someone for 2 or 3 days, then they want to sleep with me, and i don't want to, and they break it off". she just had a month's vacation of travelling by herself in europe and hated it.
she is a makeup artist, and a self-described workaholic. in addition to working at a spa (until the recent layoff), she has her own makeup line, and also has clients that just come to her house. her devotion to work is pretty intense, and tough not to respect. she likes it, and sees it as a way of ensuring her own independence and security, which she prizes above all else. she doesn't really like people in boston because they don't care enough to make themselves look good, something she enjoys doing for herself and for other people. And though the dissatisfaction with the course of life peeked around her words every few sentences, she said she was content to simply not have to depend on anyone, and to live in comfort.
despite this narrowly focused perception of life, it was clear she has other things that she enjoys, but just doesn't seem to place much value on them, or much value on her enjoyment of them. she gardens. plays classical piano. likes listening to chopin, jazz, etc. paints landscapes. she is fascinated by the beauty of space (and even models her makeup line around it). she seems almost ashamed of these things, "a 50 year old in the wrong body", or a nova-watching dork. to her, they are certainly trivial compared to work and usefullness to other people.
her goal is not just to support herself, but to help her parents live comfortably in their older years. she helps her sister, whom she doesn't like, cause she "has to". but her parents are the people she loves and wants happiness for. and if she found the boy she wants (whom she does not think exists, and the only quality of whom she can articulate is that he would be a "metrosexual"), she wants love, in a way where she and the boy are the center of each other's world's. it seems she tries to stifle hope to avoid even greater disappointment, and is content to live alone, work, and be comfortable, and perhaps finally quiet the little voice that keeps whispering "there is more".
and as i picked up a novel to reread today, where the somewhat unusual name of my date refers to a significant character, i relished the little coincidence, and the unexpected learning experience of a futureless encounter. the substitution of questioning and understanding for judgement and dismissal is undoubtedly a positive step in my impending transfiguration.
and now back to work - i hope i can carry the inspiration of listening to myself write (and subjecting ahren to it), into producing some great java.
So first the weaknesses (finishing with the strengths ought to convey the positiveness of the experience). She does not have (nor seems to ever have had) any real friends other than her parents. At the age of 24, she, a pretty attractive girl, has never had a relationship that lasted longer than a week. She was decidedly negative in her outlook toward life, and though would not admit it, seemed to believe that that is simply what life was - that it offered no superior experiences. It appears her history justified it, at least in part, but it's tough to find the fault in the finer interplay between her personality and the evolution of her life and her relationships with other people. she had recently been laid off, and that was clearly dominating her outlook on life, she could not figure out what to do with her time, she felt useless and uninterested in anything life had to offer. the nature of her relationships is summarized as "i see someone for 2 or 3 days, then they want to sleep with me, and i don't want to, and they break it off". she just had a month's vacation of travelling by herself in europe and hated it.
she is a makeup artist, and a self-described workaholic. in addition to working at a spa (until the recent layoff), she has her own makeup line, and also has clients that just come to her house. her devotion to work is pretty intense, and tough not to respect. she likes it, and sees it as a way of ensuring her own independence and security, which she prizes above all else. she doesn't really like people in boston because they don't care enough to make themselves look good, something she enjoys doing for herself and for other people. And though the dissatisfaction with the course of life peeked around her words every few sentences, she said she was content to simply not have to depend on anyone, and to live in comfort.
despite this narrowly focused perception of life, it was clear she has other things that she enjoys, but just doesn't seem to place much value on them, or much value on her enjoyment of them. she gardens. plays classical piano. likes listening to chopin, jazz, etc. paints landscapes. she is fascinated by the beauty of space (and even models her makeup line around it). she seems almost ashamed of these things, "a 50 year old in the wrong body", or a nova-watching dork. to her, they are certainly trivial compared to work and usefullness to other people.
her goal is not just to support herself, but to help her parents live comfortably in their older years. she helps her sister, whom she doesn't like, cause she "has to". but her parents are the people she loves and wants happiness for. and if she found the boy she wants (whom she does not think exists, and the only quality of whom she can articulate is that he would be a "metrosexual"), she wants love, in a way where she and the boy are the center of each other's world's. it seems she tries to stifle hope to avoid even greater disappointment, and is content to live alone, work, and be comfortable, and perhaps finally quiet the little voice that keeps whispering "there is more".
and as i picked up a novel to reread today, where the somewhat unusual name of my date refers to a significant character, i relished the little coincidence, and the unexpected learning experience of a futureless encounter. the substitution of questioning and understanding for judgement and dismissal is undoubtedly a positive step in my impending transfiguration.
and now back to work - i hope i can carry the inspiration of listening to myself write (and subjecting ahren to it), into producing some great java.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Today rules - Ahren finally admitted that I am "so damn special", and seconded the motion by commenting on a 2-day old post (again). I am now officially wedded to the blogging world. I bet Herman Hesse would be the greatest blogger friend to have ever. He validates a life of seeking and breaking from "the herd" (in pretty much any way), without offering delusions of fulfillment. And people still choose him over promises of god and faith and science. Everything he's ever written is one big blog. Just different perspectives, and a bunch of selves to toy around with. Can you all please read everything he's written. I only get so much out of talking to myself.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Like no one else, I love the cycle of personal death and rebirth. A true child of the markets (though born in communist USSR), i seek constant growth, and when that is absent, i feel the recessions and depressions like no other. Right now I am in the last throws of death, but even so I feel a new cycle of rebirth coming, probably some time in January. That's going to rule.
Oh so there is this new show on FX where a guy is offering to give control of his life over to the tv audience, cause he's made so much of a mess of it, that he thinks they can't do any worse. as if society doesn't control enough of his life as it is. I feel like joining a religion might be more fruitful. but at least this way he prolly gets paid a bunch.
TV is stupid. I am officially done with it so I can jump start my guitar career and make my audition for ahren's band. i think i might have to learn to play the drums though, cause that is the big gap in the band right now. if you haven't heard ahren singing, i highly recommend it.
Oh so there is this new show on FX where a guy is offering to give control of his life over to the tv audience, cause he's made so much of a mess of it, that he thinks they can't do any worse. as if society doesn't control enough of his life as it is. I feel like joining a religion might be more fruitful. but at least this way he prolly gets paid a bunch.
TV is stupid. I am officially done with it so I can jump start my guitar career and make my audition for ahren's band. i think i might have to learn to play the drums though, cause that is the big gap in the band right now. if you haven't heard ahren singing, i highly recommend it.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
wow, amy read my blog today, so now ahren is not my only audience. i have to come up with something quirkily funny and smart sounding to say so that i am not rejected by my new found peers. i propose a trip around the world for whomever is into it. basically we take a year where we get rid of our apartments here, and go travelling. we go together some of the time, separately for some, and the only requirement is that we are all creating stuff, again together or separately - writing fiction, creating music, painting, photographing, solving interesting problems, etc. and we meet up like once a month to share stuff and discuss and share in transcendental experiences. for funding, we can work part time along the way. hostels are pretty cheap. i would say on the whole we can do it with like a $5000 initial investment, and whatever we make on the way.
Other ideas for funding the trip would be to make it a reality show of sorts (may be a little boring), or to develop the concept further and sell it to a travel magazine or guide, where we would deliver regular installments on our progress, and come up with some ostensible goal.
i would bet that for most people reading this, this would be more fun than what you are doing now. moreover, the older you get the less likely such an adventure becomes (though i don't subscribe to that view, i can see how it would be true for a lot of people).
oh, and we should plan it so that we only have summer (with a little fall) for our seasons. who's with me?
Other ideas for funding the trip would be to make it a reality show of sorts (may be a little boring), or to develop the concept further and sell it to a travel magazine or guide, where we would deliver regular installments on our progress, and come up with some ostensible goal.
i would bet that for most people reading this, this would be more fun than what you are doing now. moreover, the older you get the less likely such an adventure becomes (though i don't subscribe to that view, i can see how it would be true for a lot of people).
oh, and we should plan it so that we only have summer (with a little fall) for our seasons. who's with me?
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Childhood comes through big green eyes
Light in circles on the wall
My old home, same white skies
Coffee, earl grey, and the mall
Flying through the thick of night
Jump head-first for winter’s breath
What connects is soft and light
Birth is far away from death
Barely a common thread
Bonds me stronger than my chains
Little left of my old self
Only cobblestones and rains
An adventure for the day
And a ticket to the past
Two steps out of the fray
Peace returns, though doesn’t last
Faces merging into one
Mobius takes charge of time
Childhood comes through big green eyes
Slight and subtle in a rhyme
Circles shatter, moments pass.
I just smile and clink my glass
Light in circles on the wall
My old home, same white skies
Coffee, earl grey, and the mall
Flying through the thick of night
Jump head-first for winter’s breath
What connects is soft and light
Birth is far away from death
Barely a common thread
Bonds me stronger than my chains
Little left of my old self
Only cobblestones and rains
An adventure for the day
And a ticket to the past
Two steps out of the fray
Peace returns, though doesn’t last
Faces merging into one
Mobius takes charge of time
Childhood comes through big green eyes
Slight and subtle in a rhyme
Circles shatter, moments pass.
I just smile and clink my glass
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